Favoritism...never a good thing

This is my family.  Mom took this of us on Father's Day.  Three daughters and Dad.

We all love our parents.

But growing up in our home there was always this "secret battle" shall we say over who was the favorite.

And of course with three dramatic girls, we all thought someone else was...and it hurt really bad.

Me and my sisters are all very far apart in age.  My oldest sister is 7 years older and I'm the middle, and my younger sister is 8 years younger.  We have really good genes from both our parents so just looking at us you would never know the huge age gap.  But it is there, and I also feel it played a huge role in our relationships.

It's one reason why I have always wanted to have children close together.  I have always wanted to instill a deep love for the siblings, and I have always tried to instill the fact that there are NO favorites.  In fact we didn't even know we were going to have a third for awhile so Mark was our baby for 3 years, and Big sister Julia was the nurturing mama, who protected her brother and helped me care for him.

But sometimes as much as the parents SAY, "I love you all the same," or "I have no favorites."  We all know that actions speak louder than words.  When parents are very strict with certain children and then totally loosen the reigns on another, you tend to feel like, hmmmm she is the favorite.  Or when one child gets in trouble more, that child is going to feel like the others are the favorite.  Or when one child is not paid attention to at all because he or she doesn't cause any drama, that child just feels like they don't matter at all.

At BSF, my Wednesday Bible study, we are going through the book of Genesis.  We are reading Genesis 25-28 right now and learning all about Isaac and Rebekah and their twin sons Jacob and Esau.  Isaac's favorite was Esau because he was an outdoorsy guys guy who hunted wild game and Jacob was a mama's boy and undoubtedly Rebekah's favorite because he hung around the house more.  This favoritism split the family in two.  It divided the family and caused some really heart ache.

I think that's one of the reason why as couples we really need to hold each other accountable.  There are times when I will discipline Julia for something, that I would let slide with Mark and John will tell me later that he didn't feel that was fair.  Sometimes I have had to say the same thing to John.  With the older child it is sometimes easier to discipline because we feel, "oh they should KNOW better," and we skip the discipline on the youngest because "they are cute," and that is not fair!  Now I know life is not always fair, but in our homes we need to be CAREFUL to be objective in our disciplining.  And we need to be consistent and we need to constantly catch our children being GOOD.

We need to constantly tell them we love them and tell them we are proud of them.  I did not hear these words very much (although I know them to be true now) and I so desperately needed to hear them.  We also need to SHOW our children we love them.  That means picking them up ON TIME.  Making a big deal out of special occasions.  Bragging about them in front of them to our friends and family.  These are some things that we really make sure we do.

One conversation we all need to have in our families is that favoritism is not acceptable.  We as couples need to keep communication lines open and be honest with each other.  I think if Isaac and Rebekah had done that the fate of Jacob and Esau and the whole birthright drama would have been a different situation.

Let's teach our children while they are young to value each other.

My one friend told me her mom would have each sister look at each other and say, "This is your only sister, she is your best friend." and vice versa.  Parents need to model this behavior.  We need to talk about it.  And never let your children wonder if they are the lesser or the favorite.  Always make them feel safe in their skin, truly valued and loved.  It will allow them to have great relationships down the road with each other and with others.

Loss...my grandpa

Julia at a few months old visiting Grandpa in nursing home

My Grandpa Lenny...born on July 2, 1924, passed away on Feb 28th.  I haven't been able to talk about it to anyone because it's been such a painful part of my life right now.

This is my Dad's dad and my very near and dear grandpa.  He lived on Staten Island with his family for many years as a nurse at a hospital, and before he met my grandma he was in the service to our country.

When I was about 15 years old I got very close to both my grandparents.  I would sleep over their house, bake for them, cook for them and write them letters all the time.  Then when their health started failing my dad thought it wise to sell their home and move them closer to us in New Jersey.  They lived in apartments and even though I was a teenager I still visited, took grandpa shopping, picked up medication and made meals for them.

Then Grandma's health got really bad and we had to put both of them in a nursing home in East Brunswick.  Every Wednesday I would leave my teaching job and take time to bring them cookies and visit.  Losing Grandma 6 years ago was very difficult for our family, and especially grandma.  He called her mama and he told me all the time how much he missed her and still dreamt of her and even felt she would come to visit with him.  I knew he was lonely.  Even after I got married and started having kids I made every effort to visit grandpa.  He loved seeing Julia as a baby and Julia was such a playful little girl.

Grandpa always made me feel loved and special.  Whenever I visited he always perked up, sat up a little straighter, smiled, and would tell his roommate, "That's my grand daughter."  I could feel the pride in his words and see it in his eyes.  John used to shave my grandpa and grandpa loved John.  He always would ask about John and the kids if they didn't come with me.  I knew he was proud of us.  I knew he appreciated us visiting.  He always said, "I love you," and "thank you," and he would always eat whatever treat I would bring him, even if it was before dinner.

Once I had mark it became more difficult to visit grandpa weekly, but I still made sure we saw him on weekends, at least once a month and definitely on or before birthdays and holidays.  I hated the idea of him spending so much time alone at the nursing home.  I even thought of moving him in with us as newlyweds, but we had no other bedrooms in our townhouse except for an office and the master bedroom, plus we both worked full time and grandpa's eyesight was failing, so he really needed help all day.

After Grandma passed away, I really didn't think grandpa would live longer than a year.  He loved her so much and I knew he missed her terribly, but then a year passed, two years, three years, and I thought, wow, God is so good to keep him with us.  As his health got worse, and he became totally blind he was moved to another nursing home in Edison.  I hated the new nursing home.  It was far and also the people were much much worse off.  I felt so depressed visiting him there.  Grandpa spoke less, ate less, and just wasn't his natural self anymore.  Every time my parents would text me to call them or left messages to call them I panicked, I always feared losing Grandpa.  I knew it was always a possibility but I just never wanted to accept it or hear the words.

This past December is when I knew things had gotten worse.  He barely talked or answered when we spoke to him, all his food was pureed, and he kept getting pneumonia and having mini strokes and was at the hospital.  The last time I saw him, like always I told him I loved him, that we were praying for him, and that we would see him soon.  I even made my peace with the whole death issue, after all he was almost 90, he had lived a long, full life, and he seemed to be suffering now.  I wanted whatever God thought was best.  But hearing the news last Thursday was just shocking and awful.

As much as you think you've made your "peace" about someone passing away, it never goes away, you never stop feeling or being sad.  It's just this dull ache that comes to the surface when their name is brought up.  It's horrible.  The only solace I can find is knowing that God hates death too.  That death was never in His plan.  I know God has a plan for all of us and I just pray that my grandpa really knew we loved him.  Because we really did.  I really really really did love him.  And I wish I could have told him one more time.  I wish I could have held his hand and been there when he slipped out of this life.  I wish he didn't have to spend so many lonely days just waiting around for visitors.  I wish we all made the elderly more of a priority and not just a drop off at a nursing home.

There was so much to learn from Grandpa and hear about the war, about his life with three sons, about the love he had for grandma, and hear about how he used to play in a jazz band.  He loved music so much.  He loved black and white movies.  He knew so many actors and actresses by name and he was such a romantic.  He loved love stories.  He was never embarrassed to tell me so.  I'm thankful for all the time I spent with him although it was never enough.  He made our lives very full.  He brought us joy and we loved him.  I'm so sorry to lose him.  It's not fair.